Words That Should Exist

Like when you gotta take a piss.

My fiancee and I were recently walking our dog and we happened across a sign like this one: Please leash and clean up after your pet. Man, that’s verbose. (Not to mention that the idiom ruins the grammatical parallelism, sheesh!)

Shouldn’t there be a single word for “clean up after”? She and I discussed it for the duration of the walk and beyond. But we couldn’t come up with anything suitable.

• Please leash and clean your pet

• Please leash and scoop your pet

• Please leash and maintain your pet

I mean, there’s got to be a word for this, right? Right?!

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It also kind of bothers me that there’s not a single word for “needing to go to the bathroom.”

We’ve got single words for all the other basic necessities, relating to eating, drinking, sleeping, socializing, entertaining, and even fornicating, but not for the multiple-times-daily urge to go to the bathroom. Just try to complete this list:

I’m hungry, thirsty, tired, lonely, bored, horny, and… [I have to go to the bathroom].

I mean seriously am I missing something?

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Ok that’s already two words related to bodily waste and that is NOT the intention of this essay so let’s switch it up.

“I love my employees because they’re honest, loyal, and [full of integrity].”

In other words, what’s the adjective form of “integrity”? This has bothered me for years. Integritous? Integrious? Integrous?

Ok spoiler: I just Googled it.

NO THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I EVER THOUGHT TO GOOGLE IT. I’ve searched for an answer several times but never got any useful results until now. And you know what? I’ve found sources that say all three of those words are acceptable. But you know what else? Spellcheck doesn’t recognize any of them. See:

A screenshot of the sentence earlier in this essay. All 3 adjective forms of “integrity” are flagged as incorrect words. Booya! Still unresolved.

So where does that leave us?

Not with integrity in our vocabulary, that’s for sure.

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Ok last one.

As I write this, my dad and step-mom are in Jamaica. But the problem is: whenever I talk about my dad and step-mom, I don’t like saying “my dad and step-mom.” It’s verbose, like “clean up after your pet.”

We should have a single word for the two people.

Like “parents,” except for the re-married version.

So… how about farents?

I mean, that’s like parents, but with an “f,” for “father and step-mother.”

And yep, you guessed it, marents, with an “m,” for “mother and step-father.”

Huh? You like it??

As I write this, my farents are in Jamaica.

Mmm. *chef’s kiss*.

Thanks for reading.